This comes from explaining my point of view to another friend who again came back with "You make a really good point." The amount of times that I have heard this statement in my life from teachers, friends, customers, fellow students, strangers and even random teenagers through xbox utterly astounds me. I can be opinionated at times, which as a result means that people get into debates with me. This is a mistake. I have spent most of my schooling life mastering the art of bullshit. This is a skill in which you take minimal information and make it sound fucking awesome. This skill got my friend a B+ on an assignment which I wrote for her in the lunch hour based on the blurb of a book and reading the last page. It is something I am a MASTER at.
Now, my opinion is not formed just on my opinion, I take into consideration your opinion, the majority's opinion, the facts that I know and then form an articulate arguement about it. THIS IS THE KEY! ARTICULATE PEOPLE! "You're wrong" is not a suitable form of debate.
Let's take for example one of the teenage boys off xbox who think they are so cool for saying shit like "Get back in the kitchen Bitch!" Lets do this in a recap manner so you can see what I do.
Boy: "Get back in the kitchen Nutty Princess"
Me: "Now why would I go do that, this is my gaming time"
Boy: "Women belong in the kitchen" *He then giggles and so do his friends*
Me: "Well now, if we are going to start referring to times when this was widely believed, then by my logic, you would be working by now, and therefore would not have time to play xbox"
Boy: "Shut the fuck up and make me a sandwich"
Me: "Also, I would like to point out that speaking to a female that way, regardless of who you are in front of shows a lack of intelligence. Did you know that studies have shown that people who bully, tease, or belittle strangers are doing so because they lack the brain capacity to hold articulate conversations with people?" *** Please note, I know of no such study, this is the bullshit part :)
Boy: "Yeah.. well.. studies have shown your mum is fat"
Me: "Now, now, I am trying to be polite and explain to you the flaws in your arguement. I am also trying to indicate to you the way you appear to people who hold a higher brain capacity than you."
Boy: "Why would I care?:
Me: "Well, think about this a moment, what happens if I was a girl from your school, that really pretty one that you want to talk to but don't have the balls to. What happens if I am her, and I am playing this to get closer to you. The way you just spoke to me would indicate that I want nothing to do with you."
Boy "Yeah.. but you're not."
Me: "Thats true, but what if I am a friend of hers, or her sister, or her boss, or a friend of your mum or dad, or your boss, or someone you work with? Do you think that speaking in such a manner is appropriate?"
Boy: "Spose not.."
Me: "I really don't care if you truly believe that women belong in the kitchen, that is your perogative, however I really must stress the fact that you should think about what you say before you say it, as it is offensive, sexist, outdated and just plain rude."
Boy: "Yeah, Spose"
Me: "So, am I to assume that it is ok that I am playing Call of Duty, and not in the kitchen."
Boy: "Yeah man, thats fine.. you're pretty cool"
There have been times where the boys have resorted to "LALALA I'm not listening" which does make me wonder about the youth of today, but this teenage boy, who was adament that women belong in the kitchen... well I changed his opinion. I logged on the next day using Troys account, joined the game the kid was in, in time to hear him give one of his friends the same speech I had given him, less articulate.. with alot of "man" "bro" and "Just dont do it"s but part of me was so proud. He had not only seen my point of view, but felt it valid enough to share it.
So, I was not only right, I made a good enough point that he had to share it :)
I know that often my opinion can offend people, particularly when it comes to things like religion, and I try to form an argument that is suitable and unoffensive. I think the major difference is. I don't care what you think or believe, you could believe that the grass is blue, the sky is red and that cats are the lords of the universe. Thats fine, it is what you believe. I will however explain my belief to you as well. I dont care if you agree with mine either, I will however make you understand my point of view, just like I will ask you to make me understand yours. That is.. unless you are just plain stupid or ignorant, then you will likely tell me I am wrong and my belief is wrong.
People that anger me the most in this world, that I cannot stand. IGNORANT or STUPID people. I am not talking about people who just aren't as smart as the rest of the world, or those with disabilities, injuries or conditions. They are not stupid. I am talking about the people with the capability to use their brain, but choose to go with not using it because it is easier. I can handle opinionated, I can handle religious, I can handle strange. I cannot, under any circumstances handle ignorant or stupid.
There is a difference between ignorant and stupid. Ignorant people can (occassionally) be made to see the error of their ways. Yes, I call it an error. To me, an ignorant person is not someone who chooses to have a belief and stay with it. Lets take for example religion. I have many religious friends, who I hope are reading this. I adore you. Not because of your faith, but because you have faith, you have that undying faith in something, and you do not look down upon me because I don't. You don't try to change me, you accept me as I am for who I am.
Ignorant religious people, are those who have told me I am going to hell because I have tattoos and piercings, that god will smite me where I stand for living the way I am. They are the ones who tell me that if I don't go to church my soul will go to hell when I die.
I mean, my friends may believe that, but they have the forethought, the intelligence and the decency to not voice it. To either ignore that part of me, or accept me regardless of it.
Ignorant vs Non-ignorant
Ignorant is not willing to accept change, make change, or accept anything that is different from their belief. Non-ignorant, sticks to their belief, but is willing to accept that the world does not all have the same point of view, they are willing to accept things and people that differ from their views and belief.
Now stupid people.. that is a whole other ball game. Some of the most stupid people are some of the most intelligent. They are the people who do things without thinking, the people who act upon emotion (constantly), they are the person who slams on their brakes because they are sure they missed the turn. The person at work who does things their way regardless of how it is meant to be done. They are the person sitting there crying "Why did they leave me?" when they had cheated on their partner. They are the people who do not think! The person who drives their car into the ground without ever getting a service and doesnt understand why it broke down. They are the person who rather than discuss an issue they ignore the other person completely, then gets pissed off when the other person does it back. I have a million others to add, but society on a whole is getting stupid. So so Stupid.
Anyways, I make a good point. That is what this post is meant to be about. The reason that I am able to make a good point, or come across as it, or at least close, is because I not only acknowledge that people think differently to myself, but I take that into account when I am replying to that person. For example, religion really holds no value to me, I will explain further in another post, but I have the utmost respect for my friends who do. I NEVER tell them that they are wrong, or that their religion has no value, or that there is no God, because that is simply my belief, my belief is right to me, but it is not right to anyone else. I will however stand my ground and bite back if someone starts trying to force their beliefs on me, and that right there is the difference.
I talk, I talk about anything, anytime, if it comes up in conversation I normally have an opinion on the topic, if you know me, you know I am not lying. I am passionate, I am opinionated, but very rarely do I tell anyone that they are wrong, or that I am completely right and there is no way to avoid that. I will talk until the other person understands my viewpoint. I don't care if they like it, hate it, as long as they understand it. Normally with that understanding, people will then agree with me, or tell me i make a good point or "That makes sense"
In this time and age people being ignorant is outdated, and being stupid is becoming more and more common. As things like google take the place of libraries. Printouts and harddrives work more than our brains, we no longer think about things, because we have our computers and Iphones to think for us. (I am guilty of this at times too) The one thing that I refuse to give to a computer though is my rationalisation skills, the way in which I think. Do I remember everything that I have learnt through uni, oh hell no. But, I do remember the skills, essay writing, fact checking, researching, these skills I can use anywhere. I may be tech savvy, and a gamer, and I am definately an electronics girl, but I refuse to become one of these ignorant zombies who look down on people that are different from me, or one of these stupid morons who choose not to use their brains for their ultimate function... to think!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Doctors... this is a loaded one!
Right, so all this talk about my past has been drudging up so many feelings and emotions. Talking to some people I keep getting asked "Why didn't you ask for help?"
I did, my parents didnt know how to handle it, and didnt understand it, so they couldn't help me. Then I went to the doctors. I cannot remember specifics of my doctors visits as a teen, but I can tell you this much, they made me want to avoid them as much as possible.
So, doctors in my adult life. Let's sum it up in a few words. Discriminating, arrogant, self-centred, uncaring, unproffessional, money hungry bunch of wankers who did more damage than good. How?
Lets start with around 2005, around this time was when I started to think "Maybe I should do soemthing about my fitness level" ((PLEASE NOTE: I am happy with how I look, how I am, and all that, I do NOT envy skinny girls, nor do I desire to be one, I merely wanted to increase my physical ability, if I lost weight in the process, great, but it was not my goal!... Ahem)). So, I went to the doctor. This was about the time that there was all these ads on tv about going to your doctor for weight loss and all that jazz. My first experience talking to a doctor about fitness resulted in me crying, screaming at him and leaving without paying. This is how the conversation went
Me: "I am looking to get fitter, and I want to do it healthily, rather than just jump into it not knowing what to do."
Doctor: "So how much weight do you want to lose?"
Me: "I don't want to lose weight, I mean, if it happens, great, but I really just want to increase my physical activity and be able to play with my niece and nephews without too much strain.
Doctor: "Look, with people your size, you can call it anything you want, but it's weight loss, now, how much do you want to lose?"
Me: "Pardon... ?"
Doctor: "I understand its hard to acknowledge that you are obese, but you need to understand that you are obese, you are not doing yourself any favors by pretending you aren't"
Me: "I never said I wasn't, I just said that I don't care about the weight.. just my ability."
Doctor "Well thats a stupid way to look at it, and if you don't lose weight soon, you will give yourself so many health problems that lead to early death." (Please note: I was 20 at this point)
Me: "As your patient, I am asking you to understand that I do not want to focus on my weight, but rather my physical ability, and fitness level"
Doctor: "Well as your doctor, and a medical professional who knows more than you about fitness, obviously (as he motions towards me), I think that you need to choose a goal weight as you will be unable to monitor your progress without it"
Me : "I understand that, but you are insisting on me choosing a goal weight, which I do not have, as I do not want to focus on my weight loss, but on the exercise and my ability. Choosing a number for the sake of it seems unreasonable.
Doctor: "I can't help you if you wont set a goal"
Me: "My goal is to be able to run 1 km without getting puffed"
Doctor "Be reasonable, someone your size I will be suprised if you could run at all.
Me: "If you cant help me, I will go find someone who can without being a patronising asshole"
So that was not fun.
Other times that doctors have pissed me off.
Doctor 2 - Told me that I was too overweight to lose weight on my own, that I had to have surgery before it is too late (such as lapband or stomach stapling)
Doctor 3 - "I'm suprised that at your size you don't have more problems with your health"
Doctor 4 - Told me I could not lose weight without medicinal help in the form of drugs which cost $100 a month. When I said I couldn't afford the pills they said "Can you afford to die?"
Doctor 5 - "If you try to do too much physical activity, you will cause yourself injury due to your size."
Doctor 6 - When I approached them about head-spins, headaches, and light-headedness
Doctor "Well its obviously early symptoms of diabetes."
Me: "Why"
Doctor: "Because you have a family history of it, and you are overweight"
Me: "I am pretty sure in the records there are previous results regarding diabetes, as I am aware of that and keep a close check on it.
Doctor: "I still believe its diabetes"...
(A week later, after fasting, urine, blood test results come back)
Doctor: "So, its not diabetes"
Me: "Do the results show any abnormalities?"
Doctor: "No, all perfectly normal."
Me: "So.. sorry, an overweight person with a family history, doesnt have diabetes... ?" (yes I was being patronising.. sue me)
Doctor "Yes.. thats right.. but I dont know what else it could be.. "
Me" Well I still have them alot, particularly at work when I stand up too quickly
Doctor: "If it isn't diabetes, its your blood pressure, you may need to lower your cholesterol"
Me: "I have my blood pressure checked every few visits as I had really low blood pressure a few years ago for 2 weeks, but it is fine now"
Doctor "It must be your blood pressure." (As he doesnt even look at my previous results)
Wait.... wait...
Doctor "Your blood pressure is fine, I dont know what it is"
Me: "Well it is really annoying, and I almost passed out the other day at work"
Doctor: "Well, it seems to happen most often when you get up too quickly, or bend over then stand"
Me: "Yeah.."
Doctor "So just make sure you stand up slower, and dont bend that way".
((To this day I dont know what causes my headspins/light-headedness as every doctor is the same, even after telling them that I have been tested for diabetes and blood pressure, there is no other possible option. As part of an experiment, I got a friend to go in, fake the same symptoms.. the doctor listed off 3 other possibilities. Spinal alignment is out and putting pressure on nerves, inner ear problem, vertigo. No doctor has even mentioned these to me, jumping straight to weight related illnesses))
Doctor 7 - When going in regarding my anxiety/stress/depression. Asked me why I was feeling that way. I listed off everything I could think of..
"Hmmmm you seem to have left out the most important trigger"
I stared blankly
"Your weight. I know its hard to be overweight, and sometimes being overweight people come to hate themselves and their bodies"
I sat there, stopped crying, raised an eyebrow "I have no issue with my weight, I am fat, yeah I know that, but I am not having a total breakdown because of it"
"Being as overweight as you are would have some sort of psychological impact on you."
As I stood up, collected my stuff "No, what has a psychological impact on me is doctors constantly making me feel like my weight is the be all and end all of who I am. I am happy with how I look, fat bits and all." Stormed out.
Psychologist - "I believe you use your weight as a barrier to keep people away. You don't want to lose weight because you are affraid of being loved."
Me: "But I am loved, I have good friends, a boyfriend, I have had long-term relationships"
Psychologist "I think you struggle to lose weight because you are terrified of what people will think if they saw the real you"
Me: "Look, I overshare pretty much every detail of my life to anyone who asks. People only ever see the real me, I don't sugar-coat, I dont keep things back. If I have something to say, I say it and I am happy to say it.
Psychologist "All this anger, it stems from insecurities caused by you hating your body."
Me.. again as I pack up my stuff "My anger, comes from fuckwits who think that they know what I am thinking. I do not hate my body, yes there are days that I think that I could be lighter, or more toned, or fitter, but I don't hate my body. I hate that people think that being skinny is the be all and end all of happiness. It isn't, learning to accept yourself for who you are is."
Now... this is just the weight related incidents. Do not even get me started on other ones. I find that they use the weight as a blanket reason for my health issues, or, they cant see past the weight to the actual issue at hand. I still have no answer for the following health issues because either they cannot be stuffed working it out, or they keep coming back to the answer which has been disproven.
Light-headedness/headspins when getting up too fast/bending down and coming back up.
Lump in my abdomen (Ultrasound showed nothing, therefore it doesnt exist as far as 2 doctors are concerned, even if they can feel it)
Waking up each morning with cold/flu symptoms which go by midday (not allergies, I have been over that room with a fine tooth comb, and besides, it happens in every place I sleep, QLD, VIC, friends places, hotels)
Left hip/spine pain (xray shows nothing, therefore there is no issue)
Waking up unrefreshed (Sleep test shows I sleep fine, therefore there is no issue)
Gone are the days where the doctor genuinely wanted you to get better. Instead they do the bare minimum, run a few tests, and when they come back negative go "Oh well, no idea, don't worry about it"
Anyways, off track.
Do I understand that being overweight can cause health issues. Yes! Do I know that often it is because of someones weight that they got diabetes, or have crappy blood pressure.. yes! Does being overweight instantly make you unhealthy and more prone to illnesses than the skinny person next to you NO! Definately not. This belief of fat = unhealthy vs skinny = healthy is a whole heap of shit and needs to stop. Is carrying around excess weight your entire life good for your body, no, but neither is the way that some of these skinny people stay skinny. Then there is the other can of worms, those lucky people with ridiculously high metabolisms, who can eat nothing but junk and never gain a kilo.. they are far from healthy!
What we need is some sort of test, which focuses more on fitness level than actual body size or shape. We need doctors who care, give a shit and encourage and help us! Not patronise us and make us feel like second rate citizens!
Apologies if this rant doesnt make sense, I have a really bad headache.. which you know, is because I am fat! :)
I did, my parents didnt know how to handle it, and didnt understand it, so they couldn't help me. Then I went to the doctors. I cannot remember specifics of my doctors visits as a teen, but I can tell you this much, they made me want to avoid them as much as possible.
So, doctors in my adult life. Let's sum it up in a few words. Discriminating, arrogant, self-centred, uncaring, unproffessional, money hungry bunch of wankers who did more damage than good. How?
Lets start with around 2005, around this time was when I started to think "Maybe I should do soemthing about my fitness level" ((PLEASE NOTE: I am happy with how I look, how I am, and all that, I do NOT envy skinny girls, nor do I desire to be one, I merely wanted to increase my physical ability, if I lost weight in the process, great, but it was not my goal!... Ahem)). So, I went to the doctor. This was about the time that there was all these ads on tv about going to your doctor for weight loss and all that jazz. My first experience talking to a doctor about fitness resulted in me crying, screaming at him and leaving without paying. This is how the conversation went
Me: "I am looking to get fitter, and I want to do it healthily, rather than just jump into it not knowing what to do."
Doctor: "So how much weight do you want to lose?"
Me: "I don't want to lose weight, I mean, if it happens, great, but I really just want to increase my physical activity and be able to play with my niece and nephews without too much strain.
Doctor: "Look, with people your size, you can call it anything you want, but it's weight loss, now, how much do you want to lose?"
Me: "Pardon... ?"
Doctor: "I understand its hard to acknowledge that you are obese, but you need to understand that you are obese, you are not doing yourself any favors by pretending you aren't"
Me: "I never said I wasn't, I just said that I don't care about the weight.. just my ability."
Doctor "Well thats a stupid way to look at it, and if you don't lose weight soon, you will give yourself so many health problems that lead to early death." (Please note: I was 20 at this point)
Me: "As your patient, I am asking you to understand that I do not want to focus on my weight, but rather my physical ability, and fitness level"
Doctor: "Well as your doctor, and a medical professional who knows more than you about fitness, obviously (as he motions towards me), I think that you need to choose a goal weight as you will be unable to monitor your progress without it"
Me : "I understand that, but you are insisting on me choosing a goal weight, which I do not have, as I do not want to focus on my weight loss, but on the exercise and my ability. Choosing a number for the sake of it seems unreasonable.
Doctor: "I can't help you if you wont set a goal"
Me: "My goal is to be able to run 1 km without getting puffed"
Doctor "Be reasonable, someone your size I will be suprised if you could run at all.
Me: "If you cant help me, I will go find someone who can without being a patronising asshole"
So that was not fun.
Other times that doctors have pissed me off.
Doctor 2 - Told me that I was too overweight to lose weight on my own, that I had to have surgery before it is too late (such as lapband or stomach stapling)
Doctor 3 - "I'm suprised that at your size you don't have more problems with your health"
Doctor 4 - Told me I could not lose weight without medicinal help in the form of drugs which cost $100 a month. When I said I couldn't afford the pills they said "Can you afford to die?"
Doctor 5 - "If you try to do too much physical activity, you will cause yourself injury due to your size."
Doctor 6 - When I approached them about head-spins, headaches, and light-headedness
Doctor "Well its obviously early symptoms of diabetes."
Me: "Why"
Doctor: "Because you have a family history of it, and you are overweight"
Me: "I am pretty sure in the records there are previous results regarding diabetes, as I am aware of that and keep a close check on it.
Doctor: "I still believe its diabetes"...
(A week later, after fasting, urine, blood test results come back)
Doctor: "So, its not diabetes"
Me: "Do the results show any abnormalities?"
Doctor: "No, all perfectly normal."
Me: "So.. sorry, an overweight person with a family history, doesnt have diabetes... ?" (yes I was being patronising.. sue me)
Doctor "Yes.. thats right.. but I dont know what else it could be.. "
Me" Well I still have them alot, particularly at work when I stand up too quickly
Doctor: "If it isn't diabetes, its your blood pressure, you may need to lower your cholesterol"
Me: "I have my blood pressure checked every few visits as I had really low blood pressure a few years ago for 2 weeks, but it is fine now"
Doctor "It must be your blood pressure." (As he doesnt even look at my previous results)
Wait.... wait...
Doctor "Your blood pressure is fine, I dont know what it is"
Me: "Well it is really annoying, and I almost passed out the other day at work"
Doctor: "Well, it seems to happen most often when you get up too quickly, or bend over then stand"
Me: "Yeah.."
Doctor "So just make sure you stand up slower, and dont bend that way".
((To this day I dont know what causes my headspins/light-headedness as every doctor is the same, even after telling them that I have been tested for diabetes and blood pressure, there is no other possible option. As part of an experiment, I got a friend to go in, fake the same symptoms.. the doctor listed off 3 other possibilities. Spinal alignment is out and putting pressure on nerves, inner ear problem, vertigo. No doctor has even mentioned these to me, jumping straight to weight related illnesses))
Doctor 7 - When going in regarding my anxiety/stress/depression. Asked me why I was feeling that way. I listed off everything I could think of..
"Hmmmm you seem to have left out the most important trigger"
I stared blankly
"Your weight. I know its hard to be overweight, and sometimes being overweight people come to hate themselves and their bodies"
I sat there, stopped crying, raised an eyebrow "I have no issue with my weight, I am fat, yeah I know that, but I am not having a total breakdown because of it"
"Being as overweight as you are would have some sort of psychological impact on you."
As I stood up, collected my stuff "No, what has a psychological impact on me is doctors constantly making me feel like my weight is the be all and end all of who I am. I am happy with how I look, fat bits and all." Stormed out.
Psychologist - "I believe you use your weight as a barrier to keep people away. You don't want to lose weight because you are affraid of being loved."
Me: "But I am loved, I have good friends, a boyfriend, I have had long-term relationships"
Psychologist "I think you struggle to lose weight because you are terrified of what people will think if they saw the real you"
Me: "Look, I overshare pretty much every detail of my life to anyone who asks. People only ever see the real me, I don't sugar-coat, I dont keep things back. If I have something to say, I say it and I am happy to say it.
Psychologist "All this anger, it stems from insecurities caused by you hating your body."
Me.. again as I pack up my stuff "My anger, comes from fuckwits who think that they know what I am thinking. I do not hate my body, yes there are days that I think that I could be lighter, or more toned, or fitter, but I don't hate my body. I hate that people think that being skinny is the be all and end all of happiness. It isn't, learning to accept yourself for who you are is."
Now... this is just the weight related incidents. Do not even get me started on other ones. I find that they use the weight as a blanket reason for my health issues, or, they cant see past the weight to the actual issue at hand. I still have no answer for the following health issues because either they cannot be stuffed working it out, or they keep coming back to the answer which has been disproven.
Light-headedness/headspins when getting up too fast/bending down and coming back up.
Lump in my abdomen (Ultrasound showed nothing, therefore it doesnt exist as far as 2 doctors are concerned, even if they can feel it)
Waking up each morning with cold/flu symptoms which go by midday (not allergies, I have been over that room with a fine tooth comb, and besides, it happens in every place I sleep, QLD, VIC, friends places, hotels)
Left hip/spine pain (xray shows nothing, therefore there is no issue)
Waking up unrefreshed (Sleep test shows I sleep fine, therefore there is no issue)
Gone are the days where the doctor genuinely wanted you to get better. Instead they do the bare minimum, run a few tests, and when they come back negative go "Oh well, no idea, don't worry about it"
Anyways, off track.
Do I understand that being overweight can cause health issues. Yes! Do I know that often it is because of someones weight that they got diabetes, or have crappy blood pressure.. yes! Does being overweight instantly make you unhealthy and more prone to illnesses than the skinny person next to you NO! Definately not. This belief of fat = unhealthy vs skinny = healthy is a whole heap of shit and needs to stop. Is carrying around excess weight your entire life good for your body, no, but neither is the way that some of these skinny people stay skinny. Then there is the other can of worms, those lucky people with ridiculously high metabolisms, who can eat nothing but junk and never gain a kilo.. they are far from healthy!
What we need is some sort of test, which focuses more on fitness level than actual body size or shape. We need doctors who care, give a shit and encourage and help us! Not patronise us and make us feel like second rate citizens!
Apologies if this rant doesnt make sense, I have a really bad headache.. which you know, is because I am fat! :)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Bullying and discrimination
Something which has been on my mind for the last few weeks has been why now, why in the last few years have I been suddenly overwhelmed, why has it been too much. Initially I thought that it was because I was taking too much on, working and study, or trying to deal with a relationship that was failing. Though I came to realise that it wasn't that at all. It was that with all my focus on these new things, that the old things that I hadn't dealt with were coming to the surface.
So what is bullying and discrimination
Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability. The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".
Discrimination is the prejudicial treatment of an individual based on their membership in a certain group or category. It involves the actual behaviors towards groups such as excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to another group. It involves excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to other groups
So, the major difference is that bullying is more agressive than discrimination. Why then, is bullying in schools treated so lightly. I do understand that they are "just kids" however, to me someone approaching and shoving another person is grounds for punishment. But no, in a school it has to be sustained bullying for the teachers to even try to step in. Though this is a rant for another time.
My experience with bullying and discrimination goes all the way back to grade one, 1991. In May I got pneumonia, which resulted in me spending 2 weeks in hospital, one week at home, then finally returning back to school, where due to the steroids and water retention I looked fatter than when I had left. My first bully, my teacher. Mrs. Kent. I have no problems calling her out because she did bully me, and forced me into situations I did not want to do. Firstly was talking about my experience in hospital. I hated it, I hated every second of it, and she told me that I had to get up and talk about it to the class. So I did. Only half way through she asked me to tell them about the way the doctors made me better. My answer of "medicine" wasnt enough. She wanted me to go into detail about needles, iv's drips.. the things that I had told her I hated the most and was scared of because they hurt. The next day, she took me to another class and told me to do tell them the same story. She may have thought she was doing something other than what she actually was, but taking a scared, frightened child and forcing them to relive the things that they hate... well. She was then the first to call me a name. Most the kids were too scared to come near me for a few days, so hadnt really had the opportunity to start calling me names, but as my eating got back to normal, and I wasnt rationed on horrible hospital food, I did start to gain weight. Which Mrs. Kent decided to point out, by calling me "Miss Piggy". Again.. she may have been trying to be cute, but even after I told her I didn't like that name, she persisted, and would call me that in front of students, who then shortened it to "piggy".
So began the 12 years of my bullying.
It wasnt until about grade 3 that it started to get really bad, before then it was "Piggy" "fatty" etc, in grade three the kids started to form their little cliques, of which I was not allowed into most. I had more friends in primary school than high school, and throughout the years I worked something out. Boys, they want to see you cry, they poke and poke and poke and try new things until they break you. Girls, they are manipulative, they will call you a friend to your face, then go behind your back. They will scheme with the boys, including doing things like giving you a boys number saying that he told her that he liked you... only to be there when you finally get the courage to call and laugh at you. ((I only fell for this once, and I do remember who did it, and I am not going to name names, but I do have both the boy, and the girl on my friends list on facebook)). Kids were more civil in primary school though, if you said hello, they said hi back, if you had to work together, they would talk to you.
It wasn't until highschool when I really started to just shut myself off. First day of highschool.. broken into form groups, one friend was in my group, but not in the smaller class.. at lunch time I went to find my friends... of the 5 or so friends that I had in primary school.. 1 was willing to sit with me at lunch times. The others barely spoke to me, acting like I did not exist. No doubt they remember it differently, just like many people in my grade thinking I was "anti-social" and a "loner". Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to talk, how much I love learning about different people, and if you are anti-social and a loner, you do not make it in the retail and customer service industry for 13 years. Anyways. So, for grade 8 and 9 I really only had one friend, and to be honest, even she drifted away during lunch times which left me alone. (If you are reading this, you know who you are, and no, I am not angry, or blame you. Did it hurt, yes, do I, and did I understand, yes.) So, I spent my time reading books. In class I would finish my work, then read, at lunch, I would read, walking home I would read. In 1999 I met someone who until recently I classified as my best friend and we were pretty much inseperable.
In 2000 I got my first ever boyfriend, we met online, he lived on the gold coast, but I would train it on weekends to go see him. For my birthday that year mum and dad took me and my best friend to the gold coast, where we spent alot of time with my boyfriend. It wasnt until one night that we were chatting and laughing in my room that I realised that he wasn't looking at me. He could have cared less about me. So, I got up, went to the balcony. Neither of them looked up, or asked where I was going. Initially I just needed to think. The problem with thinking as a teenager is everything always seems so much worse than it is. I remember looking out over the gold coast (12 floors up), it felt like.. 5 - 10 minutes. I turned around, they were still laughing, only now my bf had moved closer to my best friend. The thought that went through my head "I am not even missed.. what is the point?" I sat on the balcony railing, legs facing inside, watching them. ((Please note: At this point in my life, I had one friend, bullying at school was getting really bad, I couldnt walk to class without someone calling me a name, I had tried talking to my parents who told me that words wouldnt hurt me, and I was trying to understand why no-one seemed to care, I did not do the following over a boy, it was just the last straw)). I closed my eyes. Sitting there, listening to the cars, the sound of the beach, leant back, and let go of the railing. The thing I did not expect, was my friend to grab my hand just before I over balanced and ask "Hey, are you ok, you have been out here for ages?" It freaked me out, instinct kicked in and I grabbed her, pulled myself onto the balcony. I don't know if she realised then just how much she had saved me. That was my first attempt at suicide.
A week later my bf came to visit me, and I walked him to the train station. He then messaged my friend, told her I wasnt home, met with her, kissed her, she ran to my place, realising I was home, broke down, apologised and begged that I wouldn't hate her. That was a fantastic year for me (Note: sarcasm)
The next, it was, but wasn't an attempt. Mum, dad and my sister were all at work, my friend was away with her parents, I had just had a friend outside school try to set me up with one of his friends, who while I was there in front of him said "Are you fucking kidding me, you said she was only a little fat, that is alot fat, and she is ugly too" I mean, hearing it so often, it lost its sting. I didn't think "oh my god, people hate me because I am fat" I had learnt a long time ago that people say things because they are shallow, or need to make themselves feel better. I think what hurt that day was the thought that the world is filled with people who are shallow, and how many times would I have to hear that before I actually found someone who loved me for who I was. Anyway. I went home, went to the kitchen, and had the knife to my wrists. It had broken the skin, I was watching the blood slowly seep up through the crack when I thought of mum and how she would have to clean the kitchen. I moved, was standing in the bathtub, the cuts (a little deeper than paper cuts) were starting to coagulate and scab up. I pressed the knife to my wrist, closed my eyes, took a breath.
The phone rang.
It scared the living shit out of me. I dropped the knife, my heart was pounding, I was panting from the shock. When I answered it... it was my friend. She was calling to say hi. ((Please note. This friend -hates- phones, she never calls to say hi... ever!)) It was then that I realised that I didn't want to die. I wanted the pain to stop, but I didn't want to die to get that result. The years following... the daily bullying lessened, but the name calling got more inventive "Pregnant cow with a hernia" is still my favourite (genuinely, it was creative.. it was a change from "Fat slut" "fat bitch" "Fat whore"). The way in which they bullied me also got more inventive as they realised words werent effecting me anymore. There was a poster put up around the school of a photo of me, under it "I am a sexy bitch, call 1902FATWHALE for phone sex". There was the jokes of me being so fat I had broken my own ankle by sitting on it (when I rolled it so severely I did ligament damage on the weekend while at the beach with friends... not from school) So, the walls went up. The face went on, and the last years of highschool were done.
The real world isnt much better, with the exception that people don't bully you to your face. They are more than happy to whisper things where they think you can't hear it. But it never happens to your face. I worked/socialised a few years, made some friends that I still have today, made some friends that I lost touch with, but they were the awesome. I am not going to go into detail about exes and all that, just that one left me for a guy, one (lasted 10 months) cheated on me (I didnt learn this until later)... would tell me he wasnt in the mood, then go jack off to porn. That tore down my confidence. My most recent ex (6 years.. yup) There was alot of issues with that relationship as a whole. He cheated on me (That was about the time I started wondering what was wrong with me, was I ugly, was I too fat, was I a horrible person), then lied to me, then when I had a break down he all but told me to suck it up and get over it because I was over-reacting.
Looking back. I should have left him the first time I got the confidence to say I would, but I took him back. I should have stuck with my guns the second time I said I would, but I took him back. The third time when I told him I couldn't do it. I gave him yet another chance... 4 weeks later on Jan 1st 2011 I did leave him, while I was in another state because I knew that if I waited until I was back in front of him, he would get upset, and guilt me into giving him another chance, with promises of doing better, then never trying.
By the time I was with my ex, I was doubting myself majorly. For the first two years my confidence grew, then he cheated. The next two years I started to have my confidence grow again.. then he lied. When someone who has never met you (Troy.. who at that point only knew me through xbox) tells you that you sound like you are upset.. but your boyfriend cant see it when you are standing right in front of him.. that is when you should leave.
I now have a tattoo on my inner left wrist that says "Trust yourself" The reason I got this is because there have been too many times in my life that I knew that I should have done something differently, that I should have left, or said something, or not done something, but I doubted myself.
Bullying and discrimination.. it doesn't just effect a person on that day, and hearing something once, or twice, or even a hundred times is bearable. What destroyed my confidence, what tore me apart wasn't the name-calling, in primary school it did hurt, you dont understand then. In high school, eh, you are a teenager, come up with something imaginative and new. But being exiled, having friends betray you, having boyfriends cheat... that I think is what hurt the most. That is what destroyed what confidence I had left.
Now it is slowly building back up. Do I have bad days, oh yes. I had a bad week not long ago which is what triggered all this sharing/venting. It was like the walls I had put up throughout my life just came tumbling down all at once, all the emotions from the last 26 years of my life came crashing over me. I couldnt cope. I broke down, not just a little, but crying for 4 hours straight.
The lesson to learn, the point of all this ranting, the reason that I feel the need to share this. Your actions may not harm you, or seem harmful to you, but put yourself in someone elses shoes, think about what you are doing or saying. Parents, protect your kids, raise them right, being bullied, or being a bully is not acceptable.
People who think you have never ever done anything to hurt anyone. Fuck you! I was bullied my whole life and I have hurt people. No-one can ever go through life without hurting someone else, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. The best we can do, is to be aware of the effects that our actions and words have on others and try to do our best.
So what is bullying and discrimination
Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability. The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".
Discrimination is the prejudicial treatment of an individual based on their membership in a certain group or category. It involves the actual behaviors towards groups such as excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to another group. It involves excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to other groups
So, the major difference is that bullying is more agressive than discrimination. Why then, is bullying in schools treated so lightly. I do understand that they are "just kids" however, to me someone approaching and shoving another person is grounds for punishment. But no, in a school it has to be sustained bullying for the teachers to even try to step in. Though this is a rant for another time.
My experience with bullying and discrimination goes all the way back to grade one, 1991. In May I got pneumonia, which resulted in me spending 2 weeks in hospital, one week at home, then finally returning back to school, where due to the steroids and water retention I looked fatter than when I had left. My first bully, my teacher. Mrs. Kent. I have no problems calling her out because she did bully me, and forced me into situations I did not want to do. Firstly was talking about my experience in hospital. I hated it, I hated every second of it, and she told me that I had to get up and talk about it to the class. So I did. Only half way through she asked me to tell them about the way the doctors made me better. My answer of "medicine" wasnt enough. She wanted me to go into detail about needles, iv's drips.. the things that I had told her I hated the most and was scared of because they hurt. The next day, she took me to another class and told me to do tell them the same story. She may have thought she was doing something other than what she actually was, but taking a scared, frightened child and forcing them to relive the things that they hate... well. She was then the first to call me a name. Most the kids were too scared to come near me for a few days, so hadnt really had the opportunity to start calling me names, but as my eating got back to normal, and I wasnt rationed on horrible hospital food, I did start to gain weight. Which Mrs. Kent decided to point out, by calling me "Miss Piggy". Again.. she may have been trying to be cute, but even after I told her I didn't like that name, she persisted, and would call me that in front of students, who then shortened it to "piggy".
So began the 12 years of my bullying.
It wasnt until about grade 3 that it started to get really bad, before then it was "Piggy" "fatty" etc, in grade three the kids started to form their little cliques, of which I was not allowed into most. I had more friends in primary school than high school, and throughout the years I worked something out. Boys, they want to see you cry, they poke and poke and poke and try new things until they break you. Girls, they are manipulative, they will call you a friend to your face, then go behind your back. They will scheme with the boys, including doing things like giving you a boys number saying that he told her that he liked you... only to be there when you finally get the courage to call and laugh at you. ((I only fell for this once, and I do remember who did it, and I am not going to name names, but I do have both the boy, and the girl on my friends list on facebook)). Kids were more civil in primary school though, if you said hello, they said hi back, if you had to work together, they would talk to you.
It wasn't until highschool when I really started to just shut myself off. First day of highschool.. broken into form groups, one friend was in my group, but not in the smaller class.. at lunch time I went to find my friends... of the 5 or so friends that I had in primary school.. 1 was willing to sit with me at lunch times. The others barely spoke to me, acting like I did not exist. No doubt they remember it differently, just like many people in my grade thinking I was "anti-social" and a "loner". Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to talk, how much I love learning about different people, and if you are anti-social and a loner, you do not make it in the retail and customer service industry for 13 years. Anyways. So, for grade 8 and 9 I really only had one friend, and to be honest, even she drifted away during lunch times which left me alone. (If you are reading this, you know who you are, and no, I am not angry, or blame you. Did it hurt, yes, do I, and did I understand, yes.) So, I spent my time reading books. In class I would finish my work, then read, at lunch, I would read, walking home I would read. In 1999 I met someone who until recently I classified as my best friend and we were pretty much inseperable.
In 2000 I got my first ever boyfriend, we met online, he lived on the gold coast, but I would train it on weekends to go see him. For my birthday that year mum and dad took me and my best friend to the gold coast, where we spent alot of time with my boyfriend. It wasnt until one night that we were chatting and laughing in my room that I realised that he wasn't looking at me. He could have cared less about me. So, I got up, went to the balcony. Neither of them looked up, or asked where I was going. Initially I just needed to think. The problem with thinking as a teenager is everything always seems so much worse than it is. I remember looking out over the gold coast (12 floors up), it felt like.. 5 - 10 minutes. I turned around, they were still laughing, only now my bf had moved closer to my best friend. The thought that went through my head "I am not even missed.. what is the point?" I sat on the balcony railing, legs facing inside, watching them. ((Please note: At this point in my life, I had one friend, bullying at school was getting really bad, I couldnt walk to class without someone calling me a name, I had tried talking to my parents who told me that words wouldnt hurt me, and I was trying to understand why no-one seemed to care, I did not do the following over a boy, it was just the last straw)). I closed my eyes. Sitting there, listening to the cars, the sound of the beach, leant back, and let go of the railing. The thing I did not expect, was my friend to grab my hand just before I over balanced and ask "Hey, are you ok, you have been out here for ages?" It freaked me out, instinct kicked in and I grabbed her, pulled myself onto the balcony. I don't know if she realised then just how much she had saved me. That was my first attempt at suicide.
A week later my bf came to visit me, and I walked him to the train station. He then messaged my friend, told her I wasnt home, met with her, kissed her, she ran to my place, realising I was home, broke down, apologised and begged that I wouldn't hate her. That was a fantastic year for me (Note: sarcasm)
The next, it was, but wasn't an attempt. Mum, dad and my sister were all at work, my friend was away with her parents, I had just had a friend outside school try to set me up with one of his friends, who while I was there in front of him said "Are you fucking kidding me, you said she was only a little fat, that is alot fat, and she is ugly too" I mean, hearing it so often, it lost its sting. I didn't think "oh my god, people hate me because I am fat" I had learnt a long time ago that people say things because they are shallow, or need to make themselves feel better. I think what hurt that day was the thought that the world is filled with people who are shallow, and how many times would I have to hear that before I actually found someone who loved me for who I was. Anyway. I went home, went to the kitchen, and had the knife to my wrists. It had broken the skin, I was watching the blood slowly seep up through the crack when I thought of mum and how she would have to clean the kitchen. I moved, was standing in the bathtub, the cuts (a little deeper than paper cuts) were starting to coagulate and scab up. I pressed the knife to my wrist, closed my eyes, took a breath.
The phone rang.
It scared the living shit out of me. I dropped the knife, my heart was pounding, I was panting from the shock. When I answered it... it was my friend. She was calling to say hi. ((Please note. This friend -hates- phones, she never calls to say hi... ever!)) It was then that I realised that I didn't want to die. I wanted the pain to stop, but I didn't want to die to get that result. The years following... the daily bullying lessened, but the name calling got more inventive "Pregnant cow with a hernia" is still my favourite (genuinely, it was creative.. it was a change from "Fat slut" "fat bitch" "Fat whore"). The way in which they bullied me also got more inventive as they realised words werent effecting me anymore. There was a poster put up around the school of a photo of me, under it "I am a sexy bitch, call 1902FATWHALE for phone sex". There was the jokes of me being so fat I had broken my own ankle by sitting on it (when I rolled it so severely I did ligament damage on the weekend while at the beach with friends... not from school) So, the walls went up. The face went on, and the last years of highschool were done.
The real world isnt much better, with the exception that people don't bully you to your face. They are more than happy to whisper things where they think you can't hear it. But it never happens to your face. I worked/socialised a few years, made some friends that I still have today, made some friends that I lost touch with, but they were the awesome. I am not going to go into detail about exes and all that, just that one left me for a guy, one (lasted 10 months) cheated on me (I didnt learn this until later)... would tell me he wasnt in the mood, then go jack off to porn. That tore down my confidence. My most recent ex (6 years.. yup) There was alot of issues with that relationship as a whole. He cheated on me (That was about the time I started wondering what was wrong with me, was I ugly, was I too fat, was I a horrible person), then lied to me, then when I had a break down he all but told me to suck it up and get over it because I was over-reacting.
Looking back. I should have left him the first time I got the confidence to say I would, but I took him back. I should have stuck with my guns the second time I said I would, but I took him back. The third time when I told him I couldn't do it. I gave him yet another chance... 4 weeks later on Jan 1st 2011 I did leave him, while I was in another state because I knew that if I waited until I was back in front of him, he would get upset, and guilt me into giving him another chance, with promises of doing better, then never trying.
By the time I was with my ex, I was doubting myself majorly. For the first two years my confidence grew, then he cheated. The next two years I started to have my confidence grow again.. then he lied. When someone who has never met you (Troy.. who at that point only knew me through xbox) tells you that you sound like you are upset.. but your boyfriend cant see it when you are standing right in front of him.. that is when you should leave.
I now have a tattoo on my inner left wrist that says "Trust yourself" The reason I got this is because there have been too many times in my life that I knew that I should have done something differently, that I should have left, or said something, or not done something, but I doubted myself.
Bullying and discrimination.. it doesn't just effect a person on that day, and hearing something once, or twice, or even a hundred times is bearable. What destroyed my confidence, what tore me apart wasn't the name-calling, in primary school it did hurt, you dont understand then. In high school, eh, you are a teenager, come up with something imaginative and new. But being exiled, having friends betray you, having boyfriends cheat... that I think is what hurt the most. That is what destroyed what confidence I had left.
Now it is slowly building back up. Do I have bad days, oh yes. I had a bad week not long ago which is what triggered all this sharing/venting. It was like the walls I had put up throughout my life just came tumbling down all at once, all the emotions from the last 26 years of my life came crashing over me. I couldnt cope. I broke down, not just a little, but crying for 4 hours straight.
The lesson to learn, the point of all this ranting, the reason that I feel the need to share this. Your actions may not harm you, or seem harmful to you, but put yourself in someone elses shoes, think about what you are doing or saying. Parents, protect your kids, raise them right, being bullied, or being a bully is not acceptable.
People who think you have never ever done anything to hurt anyone. Fuck you! I was bullied my whole life and I have hurt people. No-one can ever go through life without hurting someone else, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. The best we can do, is to be aware of the effects that our actions and words have on others and try to do our best.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Soooo.....
Right then,
Apparently some strange people like reading my rants and believe that I should start a blog.
Okey Dokey, done.
Now, as for what to put as my first post, well that is another story. Part of me wanted to post something deep and meaningful, but recent facebook posts have me tapped out of that. So, something witty and fun, yeah, thats not happening. So, I think I will have to settle on a "Journey so far" kind of deal. Or at least a shortened version of that.
So, I am studying, crafting, and dealing with life's ever changing sense of humor.
Study
I am studying a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English Literature and History and minoring in Anthropolgy (yes I can say that drunk). This will lead to teaching, specifically High School, in the end, which with any luck will be in 2 and a half years. I started this in November 2007 after realised I had spent the first 5 years of my life after highschool aimlessly wandering the earth and not having any idea what the hell I was going to do with my life. I study externally, which means I don't go to campus, I don't see my lecturers, but I do get support and email and all that jazz.
Craft
I have always been creative, writing stories, poems, drawing (poorly), and then I found Scrapbooking. Oh what a day that was. My sister had a Creative Memories party at her place, and instantly I loved it. Though rather quickly I found that my style and everyone elses differed greatly. I love looking at other peoples work, but I do so and think "Thats beautiful... but I don't like it" more and more often. Which I realise is horrible of me, and I will never say that to them, but there are so many times I look at other peoples work and think "Are they high?" other times I look at other peoples work and have to supress the sudden and intense jealousy I feel at their talents. ANYWAYS... there was a challenge on a forum I was a member of to make a card. I tried, and in my opinon failed... miserably. But that planted a seed. I had so many scraps, and cards were small... so I messed around, failed some more, then found a groove, a rhythm if you will. Pretty soon I kept haveing family and friends tell me "They are good, you should sell them" (but they never buy any... *Insert note here to grumble some other time about this*. I have been card-making ever since, and really do enjoy it.
Dealing with life's ever changing sense of humor.
This is definately the one that takes the most time in my daily routine, and I am definately trying to cope better, but eh, shit happens and sometimes I take a few steps back. So, life's sense of humor.
Take one painfully stubbourn, independant, strong, unrelenting girl.
Add lifetime of schoolyard teasing.
Mix together
Get --- One painfully stubbourn, independant, strong, woman who is finally relenting a little bit of herself to deal with the emotions that she had denied so long.
Don't forget to throw other events in there, such as a long-term partner who had commitment issues, anger issues, trust issues, love issues... lets just summarise with issues, which did not help when I needed help etc. A few meltdowns, a million steps forward, 999,999 steps back and a whole array of other things that I will likely get to at some point on here.
So where am I at now?
Well that I am not sure of. I am disorganised, insecure, emotional, a little crazy.... alright alot crazy, but I think that I am in a good place. I have a partner now (just over a year YAY) who picks up on the tiniest of changes and supports and loves me. Mentally I think I am more stable than I was a year ago, physically I am getting there.. that will take a while, emotionally... baby steps.
So, thats me, this is my blog, I will try not to have many posts like this which jump and change and ooooohhh shiney!
:) If you are reading this, you are either bored, or love me. Either way, I am pretty sure that you are a friend. Thanks.
Dani
Apparently some strange people like reading my rants and believe that I should start a blog.
Okey Dokey, done.
Now, as for what to put as my first post, well that is another story. Part of me wanted to post something deep and meaningful, but recent facebook posts have me tapped out of that. So, something witty and fun, yeah, thats not happening. So, I think I will have to settle on a "Journey so far" kind of deal. Or at least a shortened version of that.
So, I am studying, crafting, and dealing with life's ever changing sense of humor.
Study
I am studying a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English Literature and History and minoring in Anthropolgy (yes I can say that drunk). This will lead to teaching, specifically High School, in the end, which with any luck will be in 2 and a half years. I started this in November 2007 after realised I had spent the first 5 years of my life after highschool aimlessly wandering the earth and not having any idea what the hell I was going to do with my life. I study externally, which means I don't go to campus, I don't see my lecturers, but I do get support and email and all that jazz.
Craft
I have always been creative, writing stories, poems, drawing (poorly), and then I found Scrapbooking. Oh what a day that was. My sister had a Creative Memories party at her place, and instantly I loved it. Though rather quickly I found that my style and everyone elses differed greatly. I love looking at other peoples work, but I do so and think "Thats beautiful... but I don't like it" more and more often. Which I realise is horrible of me, and I will never say that to them, but there are so many times I look at other peoples work and think "Are they high?" other times I look at other peoples work and have to supress the sudden and intense jealousy I feel at their talents. ANYWAYS... there was a challenge on a forum I was a member of to make a card. I tried, and in my opinon failed... miserably. But that planted a seed. I had so many scraps, and cards were small... so I messed around, failed some more, then found a groove, a rhythm if you will. Pretty soon I kept haveing family and friends tell me "They are good, you should sell them" (but they never buy any... *Insert note here to grumble some other time about this*. I have been card-making ever since, and really do enjoy it.
Dealing with life's ever changing sense of humor.
This is definately the one that takes the most time in my daily routine, and I am definately trying to cope better, but eh, shit happens and sometimes I take a few steps back. So, life's sense of humor.
Take one painfully stubbourn, independant, strong, unrelenting girl.
Add lifetime of schoolyard teasing.
Mix together
Get --- One painfully stubbourn, independant, strong, woman who is finally relenting a little bit of herself to deal with the emotions that she had denied so long.
Don't forget to throw other events in there, such as a long-term partner who had commitment issues, anger issues, trust issues, love issues... lets just summarise with issues, which did not help when I needed help etc. A few meltdowns, a million steps forward, 999,999 steps back and a whole array of other things that I will likely get to at some point on here.
So where am I at now?
Well that I am not sure of. I am disorganised, insecure, emotional, a little crazy.... alright alot crazy, but I think that I am in a good place. I have a partner now (just over a year YAY) who picks up on the tiniest of changes and supports and loves me. Mentally I think I am more stable than I was a year ago, physically I am getting there.. that will take a while, emotionally... baby steps.
So, thats me, this is my blog, I will try not to have many posts like this which jump and change and ooooohhh shiney!
:) If you are reading this, you are either bored, or love me. Either way, I am pretty sure that you are a friend. Thanks.
Dani
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