Right, so all this talk about my past has been drudging up so many feelings and emotions. Talking to some people I keep getting asked "Why didn't you ask for help?"
I did, my parents didnt know how to handle it, and didnt understand it, so they couldn't help me. Then I went to the doctors. I cannot remember specifics of my doctors visits as a teen, but I can tell you this much, they made me want to avoid them as much as possible.
So, doctors in my adult life. Let's sum it up in a few words. Discriminating, arrogant, self-centred, uncaring, unproffessional, money hungry bunch of wankers who did more damage than good. How?
Lets start with around 2005, around this time was when I started to think "Maybe I should do soemthing about my fitness level" ((PLEASE NOTE: I am happy with how I look, how I am, and all that, I do NOT envy skinny girls, nor do I desire to be one, I merely wanted to increase my physical ability, if I lost weight in the process, great, but it was not my goal!... Ahem)). So, I went to the doctor. This was about the time that there was all these ads on tv about going to your doctor for weight loss and all that jazz. My first experience talking to a doctor about fitness resulted in me crying, screaming at him and leaving without paying. This is how the conversation went
Me: "I am looking to get fitter, and I want to do it healthily, rather than just jump into it not knowing what to do."
Doctor: "So how much weight do you want to lose?"
Me: "I don't want to lose weight, I mean, if it happens, great, but I really just want to increase my physical activity and be able to play with my niece and nephews without too much strain.
Doctor: "Look, with people your size, you can call it anything you want, but it's weight loss, now, how much do you want to lose?"
Me: "Pardon... ?"
Doctor: "I understand its hard to acknowledge that you are obese, but you need to understand that you are obese, you are not doing yourself any favors by pretending you aren't"
Me: "I never said I wasn't, I just said that I don't care about the weight.. just my ability."
Doctor "Well thats a stupid way to look at it, and if you don't lose weight soon, you will give yourself so many health problems that lead to early death." (Please note: I was 20 at this point)
Me: "As your patient, I am asking you to understand that I do not want to focus on my weight, but rather my physical ability, and fitness level"
Doctor: "Well as your doctor, and a medical professional who knows more than you about fitness, obviously (as he motions towards me), I think that you need to choose a goal weight as you will be unable to monitor your progress without it"
Me : "I understand that, but you are insisting on me choosing a goal weight, which I do not have, as I do not want to focus on my weight loss, but on the exercise and my ability. Choosing a number for the sake of it seems unreasonable.
Doctor: "I can't help you if you wont set a goal"
Me: "My goal is to be able to run 1 km without getting puffed"
Doctor "Be reasonable, someone your size I will be suprised if you could run at all.
Me: "If you cant help me, I will go find someone who can without being a patronising asshole"
So that was not fun.
Other times that doctors have pissed me off.
Doctor 2 - Told me that I was too overweight to lose weight on my own, that I had to have surgery before it is too late (such as lapband or stomach stapling)
Doctor 3 - "I'm suprised that at your size you don't have more problems with your health"
Doctor 4 - Told me I could not lose weight without medicinal help in the form of drugs which cost $100 a month. When I said I couldn't afford the pills they said "Can you afford to die?"
Doctor 5 - "If you try to do too much physical activity, you will cause yourself injury due to your size."
Doctor 6 - When I approached them about head-spins, headaches, and light-headedness
Doctor "Well its obviously early symptoms of diabetes."
Me: "Why"
Doctor: "Because you have a family history of it, and you are overweight"
Me: "I am pretty sure in the records there are previous results regarding diabetes, as I am aware of that and keep a close check on it.
Doctor: "I still believe its diabetes"...
(A week later, after fasting, urine, blood test results come back)
Doctor: "So, its not diabetes"
Me: "Do the results show any abnormalities?"
Doctor: "No, all perfectly normal."
Me: "So.. sorry, an overweight person with a family history, doesnt have diabetes... ?" (yes I was being patronising.. sue me)
Doctor "Yes.. thats right.. but I dont know what else it could be.. "
Me" Well I still have them alot, particularly at work when I stand up too quickly
Doctor: "If it isn't diabetes, its your blood pressure, you may need to lower your cholesterol"
Me: "I have my blood pressure checked every few visits as I had really low blood pressure a few years ago for 2 weeks, but it is fine now"
Doctor "It must be your blood pressure." (As he doesnt even look at my previous results)
Wait.... wait...
Doctor "Your blood pressure is fine, I dont know what it is"
Me: "Well it is really annoying, and I almost passed out the other day at work"
Doctor: "Well, it seems to happen most often when you get up too quickly, or bend over then stand"
Me: "Yeah.."
Doctor "So just make sure you stand up slower, and dont bend that way".
((To this day I dont know what causes my headspins/light-headedness as every doctor is the same, even after telling them that I have been tested for diabetes and blood pressure, there is no other possible option. As part of an experiment, I got a friend to go in, fake the same symptoms.. the doctor listed off 3 other possibilities. Spinal alignment is out and putting pressure on nerves, inner ear problem, vertigo. No doctor has even mentioned these to me, jumping straight to weight related illnesses))
Doctor 7 - When going in regarding my anxiety/stress/depression. Asked me why I was feeling that way. I listed off everything I could think of..
"Hmmmm you seem to have left out the most important trigger"
I stared blankly
"Your weight. I know its hard to be overweight, and sometimes being overweight people come to hate themselves and their bodies"
I sat there, stopped crying, raised an eyebrow "I have no issue with my weight, I am fat, yeah I know that, but I am not having a total breakdown because of it"
"Being as overweight as you are would have some sort of psychological impact on you."
As I stood up, collected my stuff "No, what has a psychological impact on me is doctors constantly making me feel like my weight is the be all and end all of who I am. I am happy with how I look, fat bits and all." Stormed out.
Psychologist - "I believe you use your weight as a barrier to keep people away. You don't want to lose weight because you are affraid of being loved."
Me: "But I am loved, I have good friends, a boyfriend, I have had long-term relationships"
Psychologist "I think you struggle to lose weight because you are terrified of what people will think if they saw the real you"
Me: "Look, I overshare pretty much every detail of my life to anyone who asks. People only ever see the real me, I don't sugar-coat, I dont keep things back. If I have something to say, I say it and I am happy to say it.
Psychologist "All this anger, it stems from insecurities caused by you hating your body."
Me.. again as I pack up my stuff "My anger, comes from fuckwits who think that they know what I am thinking. I do not hate my body, yes there are days that I think that I could be lighter, or more toned, or fitter, but I don't hate my body. I hate that people think that being skinny is the be all and end all of happiness. It isn't, learning to accept yourself for who you are is."
Now... this is just the weight related incidents. Do not even get me started on other ones. I find that they use the weight as a blanket reason for my health issues, or, they cant see past the weight to the actual issue at hand. I still have no answer for the following health issues because either they cannot be stuffed working it out, or they keep coming back to the answer which has been disproven.
Light-headedness/headspins when getting up too fast/bending down and coming back up.
Lump in my abdomen (Ultrasound showed nothing, therefore it doesnt exist as far as 2 doctors are concerned, even if they can feel it)
Waking up each morning with cold/flu symptoms which go by midday (not allergies, I have been over that room with a fine tooth comb, and besides, it happens in every place I sleep, QLD, VIC, friends places, hotels)
Left hip/spine pain (xray shows nothing, therefore there is no issue)
Waking up unrefreshed (Sleep test shows I sleep fine, therefore there is no issue)
Gone are the days where the doctor genuinely wanted you to get better. Instead they do the bare minimum, run a few tests, and when they come back negative go "Oh well, no idea, don't worry about it"
Anyways, off track.
Do I understand that being overweight can cause health issues. Yes! Do I know that often it is because of someones weight that they got diabetes, or have crappy blood pressure.. yes! Does being overweight instantly make you unhealthy and more prone to illnesses than the skinny person next to you NO! Definately not. This belief of fat = unhealthy vs skinny = healthy is a whole heap of shit and needs to stop. Is carrying around excess weight your entire life good for your body, no, but neither is the way that some of these skinny people stay skinny. Then there is the other can of worms, those lucky people with ridiculously high metabolisms, who can eat nothing but junk and never gain a kilo.. they are far from healthy!
What we need is some sort of test, which focuses more on fitness level than actual body size or shape. We need doctors who care, give a shit and encourage and help us! Not patronise us and make us feel like second rate citizens!
Apologies if this rant doesnt make sense, I have a really bad headache.. which you know, is because I am fat! :)
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