Bullying and discrimination

Something which has been on my mind for the last few weeks has been why now, why in the last few years have I been suddenly overwhelmed, why has it been too much. Initially I thought that it was because I was taking too much on, working and study, or trying to deal with a relationship that was failing. Though I came to realise that it wasn't that at all. It was that with all my focus on these new things, that the old things that I hadn't dealt with were coming to the surface.

So what is bullying and discrimination

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability. The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target".

Discrimination is the prejudicial treatment of an individual based on their membership in a certain group or category. It involves the actual behaviors towards groups such as excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to another group. It involves excluding or restricting members of one group from opportunities that are available to other groups

So, the major difference is that bullying is more agressive than discrimination. Why then, is bullying in schools treated so lightly. I do understand that they are "just kids" however, to me someone approaching and shoving another person is grounds for punishment. But no, in a school it has to be sustained bullying for the teachers to even try to step in. Though this is a rant for another time.

My experience with bullying and discrimination goes all the way back to grade one, 1991. In May I got pneumonia, which resulted in me spending 2 weeks in hospital, one week at home, then finally returning back to school, where due to the steroids and water retention I looked fatter than when I had left. My first bully, my teacher. Mrs. Kent. I have no problems calling her out because she did bully me, and forced me into situations I did not want to do. Firstly was talking about my experience in hospital. I hated it, I hated every second of it, and she told me that I had to get up and talk about it to the class. So I did. Only half way through she asked me to tell them about the way the doctors made me better. My answer of "medicine" wasnt enough. She wanted me to go into detail about needles, iv's drips.. the things that I had told her I hated the most and was scared of because they hurt. The next day, she took me to another class and told me to do tell them the same story. She may have thought she was doing something other than what she actually was, but taking a scared, frightened child and forcing them to relive the things that they hate... well. She was then the first to call me a name. Most the kids were too scared to come near me for a few days, so hadnt really had the opportunity to start calling me names, but as my eating got back to normal, and I wasnt rationed on horrible hospital food, I did start to gain weight. Which Mrs. Kent decided to point out, by calling me "Miss Piggy". Again.. she may have been trying to be cute, but even after I told her I didn't like that name, she persisted, and would call me that in front of students, who then shortened it to "piggy".

So began the 12 years of my bullying.

It wasnt until about grade 3 that it started to get really bad, before then it was "Piggy" "fatty" etc, in grade three the kids started to form their little cliques, of which I was not allowed into most. I had more friends in primary school than high school, and throughout the years I worked something out. Boys, they want to see you cry, they poke and poke and poke and try new things until they break you. Girls, they are manipulative, they will call you a friend to your face, then go behind your back. They will scheme with the boys, including doing things like giving you a boys number saying that he told her that he liked you... only to be there when you finally get the courage to call and laugh at you. ((I only fell for this once, and I do remember who did it, and I am not going to name names, but I do have both the boy, and the girl on my friends list on facebook)). Kids were more civil in primary school though, if you said hello, they said hi back, if you had to work together, they would talk to you.

It wasn't until highschool when I really started to just shut myself off. First day of highschool.. broken into form groups, one friend was in my group, but not in the smaller class.. at lunch time I went to find my friends... of the 5 or so friends that I had in primary school.. 1 was willing to sit with me at lunch times. The others barely spoke to me, acting like I did not exist. No doubt they remember it differently, just like many people in my grade thinking I was "anti-social" and a "loner". Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to talk, how much I love learning about different people, and if you are anti-social and a loner, you do not make it in the retail and customer service industry for 13 years. Anyways. So, for grade 8 and 9 I really only had one friend, and to be honest, even she drifted away during lunch times which left me alone. (If you are reading this, you know who you are, and no, I am not angry, or blame you. Did it hurt, yes, do I, and did I understand, yes.) So, I spent my time reading books. In class I would finish my work, then read, at lunch, I would read, walking home I would read. In 1999 I met someone who until recently I classified as my best friend and we were pretty much inseperable.

In 2000 I got my first ever boyfriend, we met online, he lived on the gold coast, but I would train it on weekends to go see him. For my birthday that year mum and dad took me and my best friend to the gold coast, where we spent alot of time with my boyfriend. It wasnt until one night that we were chatting and laughing in my room that I realised that he wasn't looking at me. He could have cared less about me. So, I got up, went to the balcony. Neither of them looked up, or asked where I was going. Initially I just needed to think. The problem with thinking as a teenager is everything always seems so much worse than it is. I remember looking out over the gold coast (12 floors up), it felt like.. 5 - 10 minutes. I turned around, they were still laughing, only now my bf had moved closer to my best friend. The thought that went through my head "I am not even missed.. what is the point?" I sat on the balcony railing, legs facing inside, watching them. ((Please note: At this point in my life, I had one friend, bullying at school was getting really bad, I couldnt walk to class without someone calling me a name, I had tried talking to my parents who told me that words wouldnt hurt me, and I was trying to understand why no-one seemed to care, I did not do the following over a boy, it was just the last straw)). I closed my eyes. Sitting there, listening to the cars, the sound of the beach, leant back, and let go of the railing. The thing I did not expect, was my friend to grab my hand just before I over balanced and ask "Hey, are you ok, you have been out here for ages?" It freaked me out, instinct kicked in and I grabbed her, pulled myself onto the balcony. I don't know if she realised then just how much she had saved me. That was my first attempt at suicide.
A week later my bf came to visit me, and I walked him to the train station. He then messaged my friend, told her I wasnt home, met with her, kissed her, she ran to my place, realising I was home, broke down, apologised and begged that I wouldn't hate her. That was a fantastic year for me (Note: sarcasm)

The next, it was, but wasn't an attempt. Mum, dad and my sister were all at work, my friend was away with her parents, I had just had a friend outside school try to set me up with one of his friends, who while I was there in front of him said "Are you fucking kidding me, you said she was only a little fat, that is alot fat, and she is ugly too" I mean, hearing it so often, it lost its sting. I didn't think "oh my god, people hate me because I am fat" I had learnt a long time ago that people say things because they are shallow, or need to make themselves feel better. I think what hurt that day was the thought that the world is filled with people who are shallow, and how many times would I have to hear that before I actually found someone who loved me for who I was. Anyway. I went home, went to the kitchen, and had the knife to my wrists. It had broken the skin, I was watching the blood slowly seep up through the crack when I thought of mum and how she would have to clean the kitchen. I moved, was standing in the bathtub, the cuts (a little deeper than paper cuts) were starting to coagulate and scab up. I pressed the knife to my wrist, closed my eyes, took a breath.

The phone rang.

It scared the living shit out of me. I dropped the knife, my heart was pounding, I was panting from the shock. When I answered it... it was my friend. She was calling to say hi. ((Please note. This friend -hates- phones, she never calls to say hi... ever!)) It was then that I realised that I didn't want to die. I wanted the pain to stop, but I didn't want to die to get that result. The years following... the daily bullying lessened, but the name calling got more inventive "Pregnant cow with a hernia" is still my favourite (genuinely, it was creative.. it was a change from "Fat slut" "fat bitch" "Fat whore"). The way in which they bullied me also got more inventive as they realised words werent effecting me anymore. There was a poster put up around the school of a photo of me, under it "I am a sexy bitch, call 1902FATWHALE for phone sex". There was the jokes of me being so fat I had broken my own ankle by sitting on it (when I rolled it so severely I did ligament damage on the weekend while at the beach with friends... not from school) So, the walls went up. The face went on, and the last years of highschool were done.

The real world isnt much better, with the exception that people don't bully you to your face. They are more than happy to whisper things where they think you can't hear it. But it never happens to your face. I worked/socialised a few years, made some friends that I still have today, made some friends that I lost touch with, but they were the awesome. I am not going to go into detail about exes and all that, just that one left me for a guy, one (lasted 10 months) cheated on me (I didnt learn this until later)... would tell me he wasnt in the mood, then go jack off to porn. That tore down my confidence. My most recent ex (6 years.. yup) There was alot of issues with that relationship as a whole. He cheated on me (That was about the time I started wondering what was wrong with me, was I ugly, was I too fat, was I a horrible person), then lied to me, then when I had a break down he all but told me to suck it up and get over it because I was over-reacting.

Looking back. I should have left him the first time I got the confidence to say I would, but I took him back. I should have stuck with my guns the second time I said I would, but I took him back. The third time when I told him I couldn't do it. I gave him yet another chance... 4 weeks later on Jan 1st 2011 I did leave him, while I was in another state because I knew that if I waited until I was back in front of him, he would get upset, and guilt me into giving him another chance, with promises of doing better, then never trying.

By the time I was with my ex, I was doubting myself majorly. For the first two years my confidence grew, then he cheated. The next two years I started to have my confidence grow again.. then he lied. When someone who has never met you (Troy.. who at that point only knew me through xbox) tells you that you sound like you are upset.. but your boyfriend cant see it when you are standing right in front of him.. that is when you should leave.

I now have a tattoo on my inner left wrist that says "Trust yourself" The reason I got this is because there have been too many times in my life that I knew that I should have done something differently, that I should have left, or said something, or not done something, but I doubted myself.

Bullying and discrimination.. it doesn't just effect a person on that day, and hearing something once, or twice, or even a hundred times is bearable. What destroyed my confidence, what tore me apart wasn't the name-calling, in primary school it did hurt, you dont understand then. In high school, eh, you are a teenager, come up with something imaginative and new. But being exiled, having friends betray you, having boyfriends cheat... that I think is what hurt the most. That is what destroyed what confidence I had left.

Now it is slowly building back up. Do I have bad days, oh yes. I had a bad week not long ago which is what triggered all this sharing/venting. It was like the walls I had put up throughout my life just came tumbling down all at once, all the emotions from the last 26 years of my life came crashing over me. I couldnt cope. I broke down, not just a little, but crying for 4 hours straight.

The lesson to learn, the point of all this ranting, the reason that I feel the need to share this. Your actions may not harm you, or seem harmful to you, but put yourself in someone elses shoes, think about what you are doing or saying. Parents, protect your kids, raise them right, being bullied, or being a bully is not acceptable.

People who think you have never ever done anything to hurt anyone. Fuck you! I was bullied my whole life and I have hurt people. No-one can ever go through life without hurting someone else, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. The best we can do, is to be aware of the effects that our actions and words have on others and try to do our best.

Soooo.....

Right then,

Apparently some strange people like reading my rants and believe that I should start a blog.

Okey Dokey, done.

Now, as for what to put as my first post, well that is another story. Part of me wanted to post something deep and meaningful, but recent facebook posts have me tapped out of that. So, something witty and fun, yeah, thats not happening. So, I think I will have to settle on a "Journey so far" kind of deal. Or at least a shortened version of that.

So, I am studying, crafting, and dealing with life's ever changing sense of humor.

Study
I am studying a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in English Literature and History and minoring in Anthropolgy (yes I can say that drunk). This will lead to teaching, specifically High School, in the end, which with any luck will be in 2 and a half years. I started this in November 2007 after realised I had spent the first 5 years of my life after highschool aimlessly wandering the earth and not having any idea what the hell I was going to do with my life. I study externally, which means I don't go to campus, I don't see my lecturers, but I do get support and email and all that jazz.

Craft
I have always been creative, writing stories, poems, drawing (poorly), and then I found Scrapbooking. Oh what a day that was. My sister had a Creative Memories party at her place, and instantly I loved it. Though rather quickly I found that my style and everyone elses differed greatly. I love looking at other peoples work, but I do so and think "Thats beautiful... but I don't like it" more and more often. Which I realise is horrible of me, and I will never say that to them, but there are so many times I look at other peoples work and think "Are they high?" other times I look at other peoples work and have to supress the sudden and intense jealousy I feel at their talents. ANYWAYS... there was a challenge on a forum I was a member of to make a card. I tried, and in my opinon failed... miserably. But that planted a seed. I had so many scraps, and cards were small... so I messed around, failed some more, then found a groove, a rhythm if you will. Pretty soon I kept haveing family and friends tell me "They are good, you should sell them" (but they never buy any... *Insert note here to grumble some other time about this*. I have been card-making ever since, and really do enjoy it.

Dealing with life's ever changing sense of humor.
This is definately the one that takes the most time in my daily routine, and I am definately trying to cope better, but eh, shit happens and sometimes I take a few steps back. So, life's sense of humor.

Take one painfully stubbourn, independant, strong, unrelenting girl.
Add lifetime of schoolyard teasing.
Mix together
Get --- One painfully stubbourn, independant, strong, woman who is finally relenting a little bit of herself to deal with the emotions that she had denied so long.

Don't forget to throw other events in there, such as a long-term partner who had commitment issues, anger issues, trust issues, love issues... lets just summarise with issues, which did not help when I needed help etc. A few meltdowns, a million steps forward, 999,999 steps back and a whole array of other things that I will likely get to at some point on here.

So where am I at now?

Well that I am not sure of. I am disorganised, insecure, emotional, a little crazy.... alright alot crazy, but I think that I am in a good place. I have a partner now (just over a year YAY) who picks up on the tiniest of changes and supports and loves me. Mentally I think I am more stable than I was a year ago, physically I am getting there.. that will take a while, emotionally... baby steps.

So, thats me, this is my blog, I will try not to have many posts like this which jump and change and ooooohhh shiney!

:) If you are reading this, you are either bored, or love me. Either way, I am pretty sure that you are a friend. Thanks.

Dani